If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you would pick up someone in the library
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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