So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
