she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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