i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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