My liver just broke up with me...
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
