I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
