In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
