Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
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Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
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You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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