pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
