I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
