I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
