Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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