Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
