There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
