How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
