The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As shirtless as possible
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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