I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
