I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
