id be glad to
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
