I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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