you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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