glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
