i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
