i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just found puke in my bra..
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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