tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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