i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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