my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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