something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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