the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
