Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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