Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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