Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
