Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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