your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
