Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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