I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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