This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
