im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
