Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
