Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just gargled with NyQuil
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
