Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
