he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
