YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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