I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
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how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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