Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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