A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
