final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
