You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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