I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
