rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
