I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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