Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
this hospital has no fireball
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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