we made out on top of his cat.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
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I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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