then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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