hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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