Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I need moral support for this bender
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
